Breaking the pencil Vs. Breaking Your Own Arm

“What makes humans different from other animals? We’re the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don’t even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it’s name is Steve and go like this
[breaks pencil]
and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. People can find the good in just about anything but themselves.

Jeff Winger (Community Pilot) 

Whoo! It's been a while but what do you know, one Ze Frank video and I'm back to not absolutely hating everything about writing. I should really learn that whenever I start going off track I should just catch up on some of his awesome inspiration. Anyway, i'm not going to babble on about the past few weeks, I'm just going to jump back in, so pretend this little note never happened and go back up to the amazing quote in bold up top and then just read the paragraph below this one. 

I'm always up for quoting Jeff Winger since he was always one of the most unexpectedly inspirational characters (Congratulations, by the way on season six of Community, it's an incredible show and deserves all the love #SIXSEASONSANDAMOVIE) However to be honest, I've never seen the pilot of this show that I love so much and I read this on Tumblr this morning and just fell in love all over again. Jeff was right on point, as usual, but this made me think about a lot of my own actions and my own attitude and it revealed a lot of crappy things that I probably share with most of the planet. 

I consider myself as an incredibly self aware and accepting person, and physically, I really believe that I am because I realized that if I was ever going to help others I had to fix myself. Perhaps I focused on something like body image more than I should since it was the easiest thing to fix, however, In my quest to self love I missed a big chunk of the point. You see, if someone were to break my Black Widow cup, I would probably cry and resent whoever hurt the $0.89 piece of plastic but I often relish the feeling of my own skin breaking. I can love the things around me but honestly when it comes to my own life and health, I just quite literally couldn't care less. I used to think I was some sort of masochist but as I've gotten older I've found that it's less specific than that and simply intense apathy to my own well being. (My entire life is kinda apathetic but I'll get to that later.)

I wouldn't have a problem with this, seeing as it makes most situations seem rather pathetic, except for the fact that it (Like the quote points out) affirms a severe lack of love or passion for myself, and that's a problem. Not that I often care weather it's a problem, but at least I know it's a problem. I wish I knew how to fix it, how to care about my own well being, I sometimes think that perhaps I'm just missing a few of the pieces I need in order to be worth caring about. But I'm not sure. Lets just say that maybe in a month or two, I meet someone that I really like and she makes me really excited, will that make me care if anything happens to me? At what point in my life will the things around me become less important than my own benefit? I LITERALLY have no idea.

What I do know is that it's not just me, I know that we live in a world where forgetting to love yourself, is not only accepted but expected. Especially for women. Say what you will but women are the most self sacrificing BAMFs that will ever exist and lets face it, it's not our choice, we've been pushed and mutilated by society and religion and put through constant brainwashing. It starts when we're little girls and by the end of this cycle we become whatever we have to in order to survive, whoever and whatever that might be. Luckily that simply makes us harder to beat.

Granted this attitude applies to the opposite sex as well just not nearly as poignantly.

Point it, life is crap. So go out and treat yourself, look at yourself as your own favorite character. What do you want for that character? Do you want them to find love? Happiness? A three headed snake? What awesome things makes your own personal favorite character special and awesome? You know what? Write those questions down, and any more you would ask any character that you love and then answer them (And don't do the whole one word answer, answer them properly and with same amount of passion that you talk about your baby with) That's my assignment for my self and maybe it'll be neat for you to try as well.

Well, this has been really... Really.. ongoing? Yeah well, I'm out of practice and I would like to say that I'm back but I don't know, I could post again this evening and it might be in three weeks, either way this is a sign that I haven't COMPLETELY given up so whenever the next one is will be soon enough.

The "What Would They Dos?"

Well... This is a bit awkward.. It's been a while, yes, since I've written anything on this blog and I apologize.. Mostly to myself because I've been going a little crazy lately and slacking off quite a bit. However, I'm not going to talk about the past couple.. three?...weeks? I don't know.. I'm just going to jump back in because it's nearly July fourth and I'm excited (tired) to get this jump started once again.

A list. There's a list I have and I keep close, a tiny list that I think might be able to help anybody needing a boost. It is pretty small, I always try to keep it at around five people and those are always in the top five even if the list changes over time or based on the situation, it's always important to keep at least two people for emergencies. I call it the "What would they dos" list and it's helped me before and just recently I've gone back to thinking about it. There's a lot of variations bt I'm going to keep with my classics and just go over who and why for all of them. My five person list includes 1. What would Steve Rogers do? 2. What would Martha Jones do? 3. What would the Doctor do? 4. What would Donna Noble do? 5. What would I do?

1. What would Steve Rogers do? He's a biggy for me, you see when I saw off the options I always end up with just him which is why he's my favorite. I look up to this character, I aspire to be this character and I attempt to emulate this character to the best of my ability. And he's important because of all those things but that's a personal thing for me. Practically thinking, it's always good to have that altruistic character there to help you make decisions that are morally good. Steve Rogers is the character I trust never to lead me off the right path and that's why when I'm thinking about my future I consult his history and attitude looking for some helpful suggestions. Always have someone on your list (No matter who you are) that reminds you where the line is and where the wholesome and good road is, even if you're somewhere off roading and have no intentions of coming back. Steve Rogers is the shining ideal that we need in our lives simply to keep moving forward in creating a better world.

2. What would Martha Jones do? Now she changes a lot for me and perhaps she wouldn't have been my first choice for this list but she is just simply such a beautiful example of helpful people that I put her down. (In the original list it was Evy O' Connel). Dr. Martha Jones; The woman who walked the earth. Probably the most underrated of the Doctor's companions even though I stand firm on the fact that she was the most intelligent, hardworking, and realistic of his companions. She represents the simple ambition and the common sense to get through this world. She saw things as they really were and she kept a straight and narrow path while still being one of the most fearless, ruthless of the Doctor's companions. She went through medical school, she inspired Shakespeare, she faced death fearlessly while still comforting the people around her, she walked the earth, she laughed in the Master's face, she left the Doctor because she understood that she deserved better because she wasn't second best. Martha Jones was one of the biggest BAMFs in television history and no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. She may be the hardest voice to because she is the intelligent common sense that wills you to be all you can be done but it's worth it to listen to this incredible woman and set her as an example.

3. What would the Doctor do? Now, he's a little more complicated however, I keep his voice around for several reasons. When you ask this Doctor what to do or what he would do the answer is always the same and it's simple and it stays in the back of your mind and he never fails to make you question your entire existence simply by saying this one word. "Run." The Doctor is the faceless explorer in all of us that reminds us of our childhood bravery and scolds us for letting time move around us instead of making time stand still for us. Not only that but he's also very old and very wise, he understands more than we could ever hope to and yet he knows that he has barely scratched the surface in the magic of the universe. He's wise, he's humble and he never stops appreciating the beauty of life or being excited for every moment in this life. Keep him on this list in order to mess up your shining ideal of what your life is and what it could be.

4. What would Donna Noble do? Ah, yes, another of the Doctor's companions, sorry about that but she is just to perfect of an example to pass up. Donna Noble represents the part of you that is yelling and screaming and throwing a tantrum, the part of you that wants to be heard, wants to be special but mostly just want's to be heard. She was the woman who was trying to make the world a better place by yelling at it basically. She spoke her mind and never took any crap from anyone while still being self conscience of her own life she still continued to yell, to be heard and to try to move the world around her. She's that voice telling you to speak up, I need to listen to her more than I do and I'm hoping that by asking myself what Donna Noble would do, I can improve that part of my life. Another important, yet less talked about part of Donna is the fact that she was one of the kindest people in the show, she was curious and protective of her fellow women and she stood up for them. Donna Noble: The most important person in all of creation.

5. What would I do? Never only look to others in order to make decisions, you have the history and the ability to make your own choices properly. I suggest looking at yourself and your life in third person and as the protagonist in your own personal story. What have you done that is inspiring? Who have you loved? How have you made the world around you a better place? Put the situation in perspective and then ask yourself, What would you (This unique character) do if someone you love was in the exact same situation?

So there's my list, complete with reasons but I also wanted to include a few other characters that could easily be on that list, they include; Charles Xavier, Jemma Simmons, Pepper Potts, Raven Darkholme, Ororo Munroe, Jean-Luc Picard, Geordie La Forge, William Riker, Deanna Troi, Amy Pond, Juliet O'Hara, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanof, James Rhodes, Raymond Langston, Wonder Woman, Bilbo Baggins, Peggy Carter, Jane Foster, and only in the worst case scenarios... What would Loki do? But remember all lists are individual. :)

Rainy Day

Today was a beautiful rainy day. The type of rainy day that you almost want to be out in because the rain is so calm and the temperature so warm. It was the type of rainy day that should be lived for. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the rain today, I wasn’t even watching pour lightly outside my window. I was busy doing grown up things, like housework and math homework and writing (As I am doing now). It was the kind of day that when I looked back after everything I was proud of myself to an extent because I woke up in a bad mood and yet I still managed to get everything I needed to get done, done. The type of day that makes me feel as if I could perhaps make it in the world if I tried really hard. A productive and fulfilling day that accomplished all of those important points in life. However, as I stopped this evening and watched it rain out the kitchen window I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. It was such a beautiful rain and It probably won’t be like that for a long time and what was I doing? I was doing important things. What a stupid excuse to miss the one and only feeling of rain hitting your face. I mean, couldn’t have housework and my math and writing have waited till this evening? Were the things that made me feel useful really worth the things that make me feel alive? I would have to say ‘no’ and that. Is why I am pretty sure I’ll never make it anywhere important in life. I will forever be willing to sacrifice my usefulness in return for the pleasures of life. 

Working hard is important and necessary, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that life is often the most horrible deterrent to life, you can be so busy with life that you take the things like a warm summer rain for granted. A warm summer rain is a rare and perfect reason to wake up in the morning but as I grumbled out of bed this morning I didn’t even see the miracle (Forgive the liberal use of the word) happening just outside my cooped up little life. And as I realized what I sacrificed in order to feel needed and useful I felt ashamed because I will never get this day back. I’ll never get this rain and the puddles and the bright, perfect greenery that comes with a shower as the one today. Never again. But I will always have more math homework. 

My priorities are unique to me but just as everyone has a specific lesson to share, mine would definitely be that life is happening no matter how you use the time. It’s daunting to think that such major choices must be made every day and honestly, most of the time, the dilemma I’m in now isn’t a problem because I rarely choose responsibility over raw life. And today I got a glimpse into the other side, I regretted it and I missed it and now I will always know where my priorities lie. Not with the need to be useful but with the fleeting feelings of peace possible only in the heart of mother nature.

Without a Hitch

It's not everyday when everything just goes off without a hitch, when everything gets done and by the time you are getting ready for bed you're feeling accomplished and ready to face the next day. Since those day's are rare (At least for me) They are the days to treasure because no two days, even the similar ones, are even close to being the same. Granted yesterday probably could have been a little more productive for me but I believe that's just the perfectionist in me talking because I honestly had a lot of writing to do yesterday and put quite simply,I didn't get it done.  However, yesterday I woke up, listened to music, started on the house and got every room cleaned, did the laundry and got back into my room soon enough to get dressed and just as I slipped my shirt on, my grandma was walking through the door, so with one second to spare I had a really smooth morning.

Everything about yesterday morning just went off without a hitch just in time for me to make a big entrance. This morning probably won't be that way however as I wrap up this teeny tiny blog post I can only hope that I can wrap up this day proudly and with a lot to show for living it.

A Toad Stuck in a Hole

"Once upon a time there was a toad called 

Mr. Jeremy Fisher; he lived in a little damp house 

amongst the buttercups at the edge of a pond."

---Beatrix Potter--- 

.... So yeah basically I just came up with the title and now I really don't know where I am going with this post. It was sort of an idea that I had while I was making some pink lemonade and walking through the house. The title that I chose is based on a little experience that I had this morning when I literally found a toad stuck in a tiny hole in the wood outside our door, The little guy (Or girl) was in a horrible situation. He couldn't get back out and even if he did he would just have to down pouring rain that caused all the trouble in the first place, and he was certainly not going forward. In fact when I tried to pry him out I couldn't get the little guy to budge one bit and I had to get some kitchen oil to pour on his little stuck bottom. After some pulling and me worrying that I was going accidentally puncture an organ or break his delicate spine, he popped out, swollen arm and an expression that stated quite clearly that this little toad was seriously done with life. He was stiff but I washed him off and checked his health before placing him back outside under a propped up bowl, away from the rain. I don't know if he was thankful, he's a toad, but I was certainly happy to help the warty little dude.

He would have certainly died a slow and horrible death had someone not seen his buttocks sticking up from the ground and maybe it was his turn to die, I don't know. Maybe he's already dead, I have no idea but the fact that our tiny little universes collided made me think about how lives are intertwined and how no one is an island. I became a very important part of his life without warning and sure he's just a toad and should have been smart enough not to get stuck in a hole but he was just not capable of pulling himself out of that mess. More than just anybody, he needed somebody with the proper tools and time to help, he needed thumbs, lubricant, and more than anything he needed someone who is quite fond of toads, warts and all. I wouldn't have been very helpful to him if I hadn't any of those requirements, I would have just been a person passing through who could only hope that someone else would pass through soon enough to help.

Point is, no body is an island. And I know that I talk about how we should always take care of ourselves and take responsibility for our own lives, and that's still true but just as a thought, perhaps when we're stuck sometimes we may not be able to pull ourselves out. Humans are stupid and maybe before we can progress we just need the right person with the proper tools to some along and take time to help us out. I don't really like admitting that but in all honestly, it's probably an option. Perhaps sometimes we just don't have the right tools to help ourselves out and then we just have to hope for the passerby willing to help will pass by and notice our ass sticking out of the ground. In that case, I feel as if the best thing to do is just to bide some time and try to survive until someone gives you the pull or  push that you need. It's a hard thing to admit but we just have to accept that all lives are interconnected in delicate and promising ways, we are not an island, we're just a little bitty toad stuck in the fabric of the universe waiting for some toad lover to come over and help us out, and who knows, maybe we can help that toad lover write her blog that evening? Life is unusual and filled with tiny rifts of knowledge and lessons.

I had no idea how this blog was going to turn out but given the unusual topic I think it turned out okay. Lessons can be learned from anywhere and by anyone at any given time and sometimes the smallest ones are the ones that will stay with you the longest. I found a toad stuck ass up in the ground this morning and by the time the day ended that toad gave me some encouragement and some hope and something to write about before my bedtime. I sure hope that the little dude didn't already get eaten. Hey, it's a tough world for a traumatized toad.

An Emotionally Drunken Review of X-Men DoFP

"Some incredibly beautiful and perfect

quote said by Professor X about 

Life that makes me want to curl up

on the Floor and cry like a baby but 

I can't remember exactly because 

I was crying when he said it so I just 

got the idea of what he was saying."

Professor X

Sooo... Yeah, I got to see X-Men Days of Future Past yesterday and the reason that I;m writing this post this morning is because last night i was far to emotionally compromised to write... Like.. Anything.. I basically came home ate ten pounds of food and went to sleep as soon as possible. After I cried on my bed for about an hour...

Short review? It was absolutely incredible! I loved it! It had everything you've come to expect in an X-Men movie. It was intense, action packed, emotional, insightful, and it had a wonderful ending and it had some pretty funny parts as well. That being said.. I was devastated after seeing it. Anyone who knows me knows that I have never handled the X-Men movies well, I've seen all of them and I own all of them but I actually only watch them like once, because they screw me up so horribly.I literally had to talk to my therapist about the last one because I couldn't get it out of my head.  I love them, but they really aren't good for me, And I wanted to take a post to try to give a couple reasons why, since it's very hard to explain and there's like a billion reasons, I'll probably only do a couple. These are all basically talking about all of the X-Men movies.

One big BIG reason why the X-Men movies affect me so much is that literally they just scare me. There is no horror movie out there that could sum up my greatest fear quite like the Marvel franchise. I'm quite terrified of the message of those movies, I tend to want to just curl up on my bed with Teddy and hide my face after watching those movies. They're terrifying because they're accurate, humans are afraid of anything different and they will use violence against those things that they don't understand. No one is safe once fear takes over and that scares me, in fact on a more humorous note, when I actually had that realization I stopped being afraid of a lot, I mean, because really I can handle a spider or a snake or foot long centipede just fine. Basically, what's the point of fretting about these indiscriminate dangers in life when humans are the actual threat and they attack with hatred. Those movies are the scariest things ever and no one will be able to convince me otherwise, also the comics aren't much better.

Next reason is how they are just completely and totally the most inspirational and hardcore movies ever. When I walk away after watching the X-Men movies I am left with this heavy weight on my conscience that tells me to do better and understand more. More simply, they make me feel really bad about myself by pointing out all the ways that I could be a better and more hopeful human. Because *Sobs loudly* Professor X is just such an amazing human being and everyone in that movie is so frickin inspirational and perfect!! (Except Scott -____- ). I feel a great responsibility to do better and be better after watching those movies and that's a very tough thing to accept all at once, not only that but it's incredibly stressful. Even thinking about some of those scenes with the young Professor X I'm getting flustered and stressed because *Sobs louder* He had no idea of the person he was going to become and the people whose lives he saved and improved because he made a choice to love and hope rather than hate and become bitter. Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! My Feels!!!!

But, also, seriously you had to watch people you love and care about get ripped into pieces and stabbed to death and thrown around like they didn't mean anything. Also understand that you had to see young mutants that you knew tortured dead on slabs. You had to see Tempest's wings displayed after they killed her behind glass like a bug next to Magneto's helmet. I. CAN'T. HANDLE. THAT. You can't possibly expect me to be okay with those images, I'm just saying and I know they fixed everything but NOT THE POINT. Also! the end didn't fix the fact that the bad guy took mutants and tortured and killed them! Young Mutants! I'm talking young adults and teenagers!

Okay, anyway, last thing. If I had to take something away from that movie I would say.. Mystique MYSTIQUE, M Y S T I Q U E,  MySTiqUE,  My poor baby Mystique! Sweet sweet and murderous Raven Darkholme, I love her so much and I just want to hold her and tell her that everything's going to be alright and stab anyone who looks at her wrong. I love Mystique and she's perfect, seriously before if I met somebody badmouthing Mystique I would probably argue with them but after that movie violence will ensue if you talk badly about baby mystique. *Whispers Fondly* She's just so deadly and beautiful and hurt.

Whoo! Anyway all that ranting actually made me feel better about my shattered heart after that movie. It was awesome and I recommend everyone see it :)

Progress

Hey! Anyway, I know that I talk a lot about the fact that when it comes to life.. I'm not doing so great. And that's just the truth, I mean by every stretch of the word I'm a failure, for some reason I've found a way to be okay with that. However, above a lot, I believe that it's seriously important to take a step back and actually take a moment to acknowledge the progress you've made in life. No matter how small that progress is, it's all terribly necessary to living a happy life. Not to brag, but despite everything wrong with my ability to handle life, I consider myself a bit of an expert on living a happy life.. No perhaps happy isn't the right word.. A positive life. I'm awesome at that. Understanding that progress and growth are unique and individual things that can't be measured by anyone but yourself. It's something that you have to examine and make a judgement for yourself, forgetting all pre-conceived notions of success or happiness.

Progress is a slow process and is a constantly working force, pushing us forward at our own pace. But just for fun, and since we are constantly moving into the future, we can look back and see how far we've come, perhaps even predict where you're going or, more importantly, where you want to go. In all reality, it's a bit like an adjustment, a turn left or right on the road of life. We can aim ourselves where we want to go especially after we've figured out both how fast we're moving and the most obvious direction we're headed.

I'm certainly not the person whom I predicted I would be at this point in my life, that person was a lot more capable and spontaneous and fun, also she was a straight A student headed for the sky. I missed that only by a couple million miles, however, even though I'm not even close to that dream human being that I wanted to be when i was ten doesn't mean that the girl I've become isn't interesting or unique in life. Forgetting all that and calculating exactly what I am and how I've improved I can say now that the girl I am now is complicated, tough, and positive, also She's a writer that's headed to just above the sea level where I can dive in life whenever I want to.

Yes, I have a better work ethic when it comes to my writing and I've found ways to connect with people as best as I can, I'm complicated and slightly kooky in my ways. It's not what I expected, perhaps what I should have predicted, however, it's what I am and the greatest thing about knowing all these things is that no matter who I am right now, I will be someone slightly different tomorrow. And that's why life is worth living, it's that predictable unpredictability of our progress and growth from day to day. I quite like the idea that I'm not stuck with the person I am now, I will have me forever along with lots of new pieces and parts and I'm always excited to see how they fit.

Honestly the reason this was on my mind is because I was watching Ze Frank's video on growth and progress and as always, he says it much better than I. I'll post that instead of a GIF because everyone needs Ze Frank in their lives. :)

The Marks on Our Skin

"I kissed the scars on her skin

I still think you're beautiful"

--Pierce The Veil--

There are certain things that I always just love about the human existence, I love them on me and I love them on other people. Things like Smiles, the way our eyes light up when we're happy, and awkward giggles are always at the top of the list since all of those things are attributes that make being around other people worth it and reminds everyone that there's something about them that is eternally beautiful. However, I'm not going to talk about those things, no, I'm going to talk about a piece of humanity that is less obviously awesome and gorgeous. It's often shunned through society and hidden behind cameras or given bad connotations, but it's truly one of my favorite things. What I'm babbling about are the marks on peoples skin and the marks on my own skin. So forgive me if you show a scar of yours to me and I fangirl out a bit but i just adore those little mementos that our bodies give us.

This tends to be a delicate subject, for a lot of people, including me since there are so many opinions of beauty. However, My best friend Simon, while I was talking about a little increase of moles on my skin from being in the sun, stated that they (Moles) are always frustrating because they're so "Imperfect". I don't agree with this statement but I was just getting out and didn't feel like any confrontation that day, however It has been something that has hung on my mind since (Since being Saturday, I believe)  and so that's what I'm going to talk about today. (Disclaimer so no one gets hurt: Simon and I often disagree on these things because she's and artist and I'm a writer so we see things a lot differently and there's nothing wrong with that)

First off, I'd like to mention that the media and society often warps the idea of beauty and perfection into ridiculous and unrealistic proportions and I could rant hours and hours over that but I'm not going to since it makes me grumpy.

Scars; I do hope that I'm not the only one who has a thing about scars, I mean, i understand they their severity can vary but for goodness sake, they're horribly amazing and I personally hate it when people cover them up! Not only is the science behind scars and how your body fixes wounds, big and little,  incredible but also they're like maps of a person's life. Scars that range from falling and cutting your knee, personally inflicted injuries, injuries obtained from fighting for your country honorably, or just from surgeries that you've been through, are ALL worth flashing proudly because they only add to your personality and your body. There is NOTHING ugly about how your body sewed itself up and prevented you from dying, it's natural and beautiful. I mean , I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but respect of another person's marks of life should never be debatable.

Moles and Sunspots: Oh aren't these little things adorable? I mean we just have these little tiny parts of our body that produce just a little to much melanin and darken in tiny circles. We always spend our time either hating them or loving them but either way we're always hoping that the little bastards don't become cancerous. These little marks are adorable and unique with just enough danger involved in their process to make us grateful for every day that they're benign. I have my favorite ones on my body and I always love how they shape the look of a persons skin.

Freckles: Oh My God these things are just precious, I mean, they're just adorable on children, on adults, and even on old people. I can't even express how much I love it when people have freckles, it's just one of my favorite things in the whole world. Seriously, if you have lots and lots of freckles, there's a huge chance that I have a massive crush on you.

As you can see, little marks are awesome and fun to talk about. I get a lot more passionate and mad whenever I'm talking about scars because I feel as if it disrespectful of our culture to shun scars as a flaw or portray people with scars as mean or evil. Makes me very angry. However, the others are adorable and give each person's skin depth and their story and unique and entertaining descriptive paragraph or two. Never be ashamed of your own body, your marks, or the bits you've added,  it's a beautiful and special thing that is all yours and not only should it be respected by everyone in your life but it should be respected and appreciated by you. Since, you know, it's yours.

Blushing Wildly

Okay, so I know that I haven't posted in like forever (Forever being since the eighteenth) And Of course throughout all of those days I've had lots and lots of thoughts, many of which, if I were slightly less lazy, would have made great topics for a post. However, I don't remember any of those thoughts and it's late so I'm going to focus on my life right now (Which is LITERALLY basically all I do with my life) Since, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow and everything has been vague lately anyway.

So... As is expected for a writer of 19 (I guess... I really don't F***ing know lmao I don't actually know any other 19 year olds) I spend around 98 percent of my time staring at something and feeling like a complete failure... In like.. everything. And by all accounts that's not very far from the truth depending on which angle you're looking at, sometimes I'm a lot worse than just a failing 19 year old. I predict that I'll feel this way for the rest of my life, just hopefully I won't have quite as much evidence for that statement as I do now. However, as a person who seems to be in a constant state of failing, I've learned to enjoy those moments that remind me that life has some sort of reason behind it. Moments of small success, moments of flattery, moments of pride for someone else, and moments of private smiling, these all make the day to day struggle against disappointment bearable and they all should be in the front of your mind when you fall asleep at night, whether or not you feel as if anything got accomplished that day.

I really haven't written much this week, I have so much writing to do every day and lately all I've done is the stuff that is prompted to me on Tumblr and that's because I love my followers and I would do anything for them at this point but literally everything else is falling behind so fast. I had so many plans for last week and then suddenly its Monday of the next week and I'm just like 'What!?". My phone is gone and so is my alarm and I haven't known what time it is for days, I swear that's probably some of the problem but it's annoying to think I need that alarm to get my butt up and start working. I've got major time issues, most of them because The Doctor hasn't showed up yet and I'm mad... -____- Oh well, I still have lots of time, it's not like the letter to Hogwarts, he could come at any time and take me away into time and space. But seriously, I usually get myself together Sunday and prepare slightly for the week ahead and that didn't happen yesterday... I don't know what I was doing, probably sleeping, but now I've just got to accept that every moment is an opportunity and I don't need to be in control all the time, hopefully that will help me get through tomorrow.

Anyway, it's the beginning of a new week even though it feels like the end of the last one and I just had some great results on a little work of writing that I did tonight and despite being in a constant state of anxiety over life, here I am, blushing wildly and giggling to myself because a bunch of people read and liked my work more than usual, they took time to tell me that they liked it and they wanted more and even though everything's not okay all the time, it's pretty okay right now. :)

I know, I hate these super personal posts as much as anyone but I felt this one was necessary, and if I could turn this into a little lesson.. I would say that.. Not all curve balls in life are negative, sometimes good things hit you in the face and make your night, day, maybe even week and even though you could never know when those are going to happen it's always worth it to wake up and roll the dice to see how it goes each day. It could be bad, it could be good but you'll never know until you try :)

First Week of Summer

"But she and her furry friends

Took down the queen bee and her men.

And that's how the story goes,

The story of the beast with those four dirty paws."

Of Monsters and Men, Dirty Paws

Yes! First week of this summer which I have repeatedly said will be the greatest summer yet, I sure hope that I'm right because I have actually said that to a lot of people, including, but not limited to, my buddy on Tumblr. My confidence may have been feigned more so than I would be proud of, however, I still hold to the belief that this will be a wonderful summer. A summer where things are worked out and barriers are crossed. I believe that this is the summer when friendships will be strengthened and broken and love will become more tangible than ever. I have no proof for this conviction, putting me with the legions of arrogant believers in this world, however, I've kept specifics out so there's something to start with, eh? A prediction with generalizations pertaining to your life can always be achieved since it's your attitude that can be altered and changed, it's not always easy but it's possible and that's a start, one that I'm willing to work with, today, and for the rest of my life. I made this prediction last week before the end of school on a Thursday night when I proudly announced to Simon that "We have nothing to fear ! Because this is going to be the best summer yet!" However, by the time Monday came around, both of us had lost our zealous attitude and instead became admittedly afraid of the days ahead.

I'm terrible with time but I believe that was on a Monday when we realized that we were less confident than previously predicted and now, here we are on Sunday and I'm left analyzing the past few days, most of which I can't even really remember. I never really liked Sunday... Shops are all closed and it's the end of another week.. But lets see how many leaps of faith I can accomplish every Sunday when I track the progress of this oh so amazing summer on this blog.

In all honesty, this week was could be described as a disappointment from my point of view and although I woke up this morning with a grim outlook on the future based on the last few days, I have accepted the usefulness of this dull minded week.If there's a problem, you fix it. If there's a problem but you don't know what that problem is, you first find the problem and then you fix it.  That's exactly why this week will end up being useful in the long run, its evidence that there is a problem but more importantly it can be used to find out what that problem is, not much time, granted but just enough to see a pattern, I believe. Next week will be vital and I can look forward to my favorite stage of repair, the experimentation stage! Yay! I get to make little changes and see how they effect my attitude, its a fun and hands on stage that not only keeps me busy but makes it apparent that I am moving forward in my goals. And I'll make those changes based on the events if this week and I'll make lists and paragraphs and graphs in order to start on a path of self improvement.

I do hope that this post isn't to personal and boring for anyone reading because for me, it will probably end up being one of my favorite posts. This week has been a disappointment, yes, however even though situations cannot always be fixed or changed, attitude can and this post is a great opportunity for me to analyze my own grim attitude left over from this week and perhaps begin to turn into a positive one. One that will set the course for repair and more importunately for the smiles that should be pasted all over my face because this is a wonderful life and should be treated at such. The fact that I had one week that made it blatantly obvious that things need to change should not affect my attitude towards the future, that is simply taking something useful and letting it bring me down for absolutely no reason. A positive attitude can defeat all of life's obstacles; This I truly believe.

And now, for the biggest mystery of this post of which I'm sure you're all wondering about; Why did I choose that quote at the top? The answer is... I don't really know.. I just really like that song and it's the one I've been listening to... I encourage everyone to listen it since it's awesome. :)

Walking Blind

If you asked me what happened yesterday I probably couldn't tell you much about it, I mean I got a few things out of the day but with my mind in a funk (It happens every now and again) chances are my description would be vague at best. I wouldn't even say that I actually remember the day very much, even though, for me, the day was quite eventful, however If you asked me, I would most likely tell you the little things that I remember such as...

1. We went to a tattoo parlor 
2. I got mad at the tattoo guy for being slow 
3. We had Chinese food
4. I dropped the cologne 
5. And I bought a "9" button for fifty billion dollars 

By the end of that eventful day, despite the fact that we were having a decent time, I was ready to go home and go to sleep. I've said before that some days you just don't win and yesterday was one of those days. I tried early on to save it but it wasn't happening so I had to make a decision, one that tends to be seriously difficult but the truth is, it's very straightforward. I knew that I wasn't going to win, I had already lost and I could have spent the whole day in bed but instead I let Simon drag me out of the house and go to several different and new venues. Just because the worlds blurry and dull through your eyes doesn't mean that through the film there's not still a gorgeous and exiting world. That's something that is severely important to remember even though it can be quite painful to understand that no matter what you do or where you go, the world is still going to be dull and far away. Luckily, you still have the notion that the world is still moving and just because your mind isn't involved doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to experience whats left of your vision.

A great example of this, although perhaps childish, would be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Although I never saw exactly what was happening when I was a child, I relate clearly these days and understand the point that was being made throughout Eeyore's arc. The donkey was basically always depressed and suffered from the classic symptoms of depression which can often make you distant and cold from the people around you, especially if they don't understand, however, despite the fact that he was depressed Eeyore's friends took him on adventures anyway. They didn't expect him to be happy or get excited, they simply treated him with respect and took him along knowing full well that the adventures weren't going to fix him. It's important to understand how important this bit of information is, Eeyore experienced the same grand adventures that the rest of them experienced, even he didn't see it happen through the same lens as them, he was still there; an absolutely beautiful concept.

And much like how the rest of the animals on the hundred acre wood took Eeyore along without expectations or judgement, I am very lucky to have Simon, someone who not only understands but brings me along in the same selfless way. 

Basically, just because I really can't remember the full extent of my experiences yesterday, I am grateful and appreciative that I had them. :)

Car Rides And Conversations

For me, I can get inspiration in a multitude of weird and generally accurate ways, but today I'm just going to talk about two of those ways. Right now I'm writing with my old computer in the upstairs of Simon's house, in her art studio actually! It's a bit cold but this is my favorite room in the house and it's seven thirty in the morning, so of course, she's fast asleep. In fact, she just told me to wake her up by nine, I have no idea what time she went to sleep last night but I fell asleep before the halfway mark of "Hercules". Anyway! Back to what I was talking about! Two different types of inspiration that always set me up for a productive night. One's active and the other is inactive, so I guess they balance each other out quite effectively but in the end I believe that the effect is the same. Why these two? Well they were laid out in front of me rather blatantly yesterday so that's what I'm going to talk about since the universe will always provide the inspiration needed to create.

The first one I'm going to talk about is Conversations, and I know that this seems a bit dull, I mean, we're humans, we live off of conversations with other human beings. However, I do believe that this form of inspiration is often overlooked when discussing such a subjective thing as inspiration. This is probably logical since for a conversation to give one any real bursts of creativity, it must contain some pretty important factors, otherwise it just gets labeled as "Stock Conversations" and you basically only use those when you're too lazy to come up with any profound dialogue so you put in some BS and plan to insert important character development later.

The first aspect of a really good, inspiring conversation is really the most obvious, however, it's also easily the most important and that is "the right people". You can't have a good meaty conversation when you're bored with the other person or you two "just don't click". No you have to have at least some connections with them and have a rather high opinion of them, because, if you don't the only person whose opinion you'll respect will be yours and you already listen to yourself talk to much. For an effective and deep conversation, you have to be having said conversation with a person who you not only like but highly respect as well.

The second aspect of a proper, useful conversation is (and this is my favorite one) attitude, attitude, attitude. Yes I know I talk about attitude a lot but that's only because I truly believe that it's the key to the universe. SO basically, you will no be able to complete an inspiring conversation if you are not in the right attitude. The correct frame of mind for a person embarking in a good conversation should be divided equally into three separate parts (There's more of course but these are the biggies). 1) Curiosity; You have to be engaged in the other persons mind and willing to dig deep. 2) Open mindedness; How do you expect to get a person to expose vulnerable and interesting parts of themselves if you're a complete ass about things? 3) Objectivity; To really appreciate a conversation with someone and see things from their point of view while simultaneously removing yourself from the equation so that you can better understand their logic or even give them advice, you have got to take a big step back and remove emotions and personal opinions in an attempt to evaluate any new piece of information.

Finally, the third, and honestly the most difficult to pen down is setting, just like in a book or movie, the setting has a lot to say about the frame of mind of the participants and often the quality of the conversation depends on the condition with which it is taking place. Granted, this is purely subjective and reliant on the current situation but for me, I have about three places that make for the best conversations. The first being around a table of some sort, this is a great tool for balancing deep thoughts with trivial actions that can keep your hands occupied while you take apart the secrets of the universe. The second is on a bed of some sort, the squishyness and relaxing atmosphere of a bedroom is always great for a bit of soul searching. And thirdly, my personal favorite, is on a swing set outside, the fresh air and comfort of seeing the other person swaying back and forth while you hold on to the bars is always wonderful for setting emotions straight without it ever getting to stuffy or claustrophobic.

Now for the inactive way to get great conversations, this one is a lot more simple since it's all you but it still manages to be an excellent source of any and all inspiration and that is car rides... Or bus rides, basically any mode of transportation where you can look out of a window while the world skims past you. Nothing beats these really and I don't know why, perhaps its the movement, maybe the fact that your eyes don't have to focus on anything or maybe its because for a little while you are completely helpless when it comes to your destination. Whatever the reason, if you're stuck or need an idea, try to take a ride with somebody, preferable somebody who doesn't talk that much and just let your mind go, I promise you, by the end of a good long ride, your mind will be in prime shape to create something new. :)

In other, and more important news...

We got a Skimmons hug on the Agents 

Of Shield Finale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome Summertime Sadness!

Hey! So this is going to be my summer blog! Also, instead of posting everything I do here, I changed the name of my college blog and will post fanfictions and short stories as I finish them so you should be relatively safe from all the gay here lol. Anyway, that means that on this blog I'm basically going to be posting rants on random thoughts during the course of summer 2014, which I think is going to be a great summer! I know that the name is a bit depressing but I chose it because of the song "Summertime Sadness" By Lana Del Ray, one of my favorite songs. I'll post a video for it here on the first post of "Summertime Sadness". I can't wait to see what happens this summer! I'll keep this short since I have to prepare for some other projects but welcome to my new summer blog! :D